For the past 4 or so years I have kept myself separate from my oldest half brother, my niece and my grandniece and nephew. Sadly, this has to do with mental illness and many many misunderstandings on both sides. This separation of family has kept me safe from what I consider possible dangerous situations but also has kept me from meeting new family members and has caused my dad a lot of pain. I guess for me it was too much to deal with the loss of my nephew (he died in a car accident October 2003 a couple of weeks before Jason and I got married) and all the sickness that followed. Oddly I’ve been thinking about this part of my life a lot lately. I am sad that things didn’t turnout the way I had hoped. I had always hoped that my niece and I would be best friends and we’d always be able to support each other. I guess in a way, since my niece and I are very close in age (she’s actually a year older than me) and we briefly went to the same high school it made me think we’d be friends for life. But the truth is, she was never kind to me, actually she often made fun of me. I’m sure this is a skewed vision of things, but I always tried to be friends and in the end I think because our family is so bizarre (with my mom being the same age as my brother) it cause us to be in a constant competition of sorts. This competition sucks for me because I’m not very competitive.
Today, I received some news, not from my brother because I’ve had to block him from every electronic format I own/participate in, but from my mom that my niece is pregnant again. I am so excited for them but that leads me to a spot of real confusion. Soon there will be 3 children in my family that I have never met…. What kind of great aunt does that make me? What do I do? Time has gone by, I’m no longer afraid but do I want to try having my niece and brother back in my life? Of course I’d like them in my life but I want things to be like a perfectly wrapped Christmas present… I’ve been pushing these thoughts out of my mind in hopes of finishing school before having to deal with this situation but it looks like the time is now. I need to make a decision and pretty fast. If you read my posts from a few weeks back you are aware I’ll be heading to NC to meet my new nephew (my sister's new son)… well my brother and niece live there as well. I know that my dad would just be over the moon if I could like bygones be bygones and give this shit a chance. I’m just not sure. I have many questions… and concerns. As I mentioned before I was afraid for a reason and that reason includes instability. Even if everything is all good and sunshine now what will things be like in a few weeks or months? I want to do what is right and I’m sure I know what the right thing to do is… but things are so calm right now… Did I forget to mention... who the hell says they want anything to do with me?
So here it is all out in the open some of the drama of my life I keep bundled up. I guess in a way I did take a first step toward what is right and I FB friend-ed my nephew-in-law and congratulated them.
As I read this I feel so bad for you . I feel your pain, I understand your reasons for what you did. But only you can make the decision what to do. If you choose to have your brother see you while you are in NC just know that we will be there as will Jason. As for Jen, she has been through a lot of pain too, with her dad and all. But I think to see her kids would help heal a few of the scars. I know she can and has been a real bitch to you, and there is no excuse for it. You know in your heart what is right for you and that is all that matters. Carol and Bill are excited to have you meet Nathan, and they would never mention it to your brother unless you were ok with it. As for me, I just deal with both your brother and his wife when I have to but Jens kids are really sweet and smart, and would love to meet you. I cry for you that you must carry this pain around, your brother has always been different, he wanted your dad to remarry his mom, I can along and that was made even more clear that it would never happen. Then you can along and completed our family. Blended families are hard, and everyone has to work at it. Its up to you , and I will be by your side and Jason on the other if you choose to see them. If not I will still be by your side as you meet Nathan. I love you and admire your strength and wisdom and respect your decision no matter what. LOVE Mom
ReplyDeleteFeeling nosy and advice-y tonight :-) Let me start off by saying everyone has a dysfunctional family, it is only a matter of whether or not they admit it!
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide to do, your Mom said it well - you will have her on one side and Jason on the other. Should you decide to be in touch with your brother and his daughter, just take everything in stride - both good and bad. If you take the time to offer the olive branch and it gets spit on or flat-out broken, just accept you have done everything you can, love them for who they are and love them from a distance. Your peace of mind will come from knowing you tried. Will it make you never want to try again if things go wonky? Not necessarily. Just know that time changes a lot of things in our lives, including beliefs and attitudes; and having children definitely changes ones outlook.
You have nothing to lose by giving it a try, except maybe the weight of wondering if you should try. Sometimes answers are all a person needs, even if they suck.
Best wishes for whatever you decide. And in my opinion, if they choose to ignore the opportunity to have such an amazing person in their lives on a regular basis, they are the ones losing out, not you.