Bubbling under the surface, change.

I don't know what happened... I've been so calm and confident throughout this pregnancy and last night I just couldn't turn off my brain. I'm excited, nervous and maybe even disbelief. I don't exactly feel guilty about these feels because I'm still able to accept that this IS a huge and life changing event and in a few weeks everything will be different. Our relationship will change, our schedules will change, our evenings cuddling with the pets will be different, our budget will change all of it... I really can't think of a single area of our life that won't be changing. It only makes sense to be curious and nervous what our lives will be like.

I think part of the bigger issue that's really bothering me is I really want to move away. I've been planning on moving for a while but when I lost/quit/whatever my job I had paid off all our credit cards, saved enough for a little down payment for a car for Jason and saved enough to keep us afloat during my "maternity leave", but I had plans for the money I would be earning over the next few months. The change in employment also meant giving up on getting Jason a car, a portion of that savings went to pay for the lawyer and now we have enough to keep us safe without me being employed for a little while (I have to remember Jason don't get paid in July). Here comes the if monster... If I was still working there... Jason would be getting a new vehicle soon (which he needs terribly and deserves), and I'd have enough saved so if we really did find a place to move we could do it. But, since that's not how it worked out and although I'm not upset about the way things worked out, I am a little bitter that I even took that job to begin with... what it has left me with is enough savings to stay afloat for a bit while on "maternity leave", enough to pay my student loan bill come June (which is the date I set), and enough to handle emergency bills (I know I'll need tires soon). As far as moving... not so much and I have don't have a full time job to return to.

I guess part of this worry is I'm not really sure what the future is going to hold for us anywhere including my career and it's even more stressful with the addition of a little one. I want what is best for him obviously but I don't know what is the best for him and how do I balance what is best for him, me and for Jason?! We could stay here (even though I hate it) and live on Jason's full time income and I could just keep working part time weekends. We certainly wouldn't be getting anywhere financially but that being said he wouldn't have to go into daycare and during Jason's long breaks we'd have week days together, but during the school year we'd only see each other in the evenings. No days off together  except for his week-day holidays. I'm just unsure if this would be enough to keep me happy. Like I said, I'm miserable living here. Or if I push and push and find us a way to move somewhere else Jason will most likely be out of a job. Foreign language teaching jobs are hard to come by... so that would make us a single income family and that's a lot of stress on me... but again our little one wouldn't need daycare. My big concern with this is we still own this house, the actual cost of moving is high and again these are huge changes for our family to go through. The third option is to stay put, work my tail off doing the PRN hussle game (where I'll work at any facility that needs me), Jason keeps his job and our little one goes to daycare in the fall.... I don't even know if I trust the 1 daycare that is here. You read that right, 1, well 2 if you had early head start be we don't qualify so the option is back to 1. Not to mention I have no idea what the going rate is around here. I started looking into it and didn't want to go any further because it freaked me out... I won't even take my pets to the vets here (I tried them, they weren't any good). How am I going to leave my baby with people in this community?

Who knew this little one could stir soo much thought, excitement and questions for my uterus... I certainly wasn't prepared for all this to fill my head all night long. I guess it's always sort of there but it go the best of me last night. I know things will work out... I know all things happen for a reason... I believe something amazing is going to happen. I guess I've just hit my limit on my easy acceptance of the unknown. I've always found that to be one of my roots of anxiety. I think it's sad because I used to enjoy the unknown and it is what makes life so amazing. I'm holding on, searching for peace, patience and acceptance of Gods will, of fate and whatever else is stirring to lead me where I need to go.