So here it is.. the eve of my 29th birthday. I'm not really upset or scared about it. I'm more or less in a reflective mode. I'm looking back on all those crazy expectation I set for myself; looking at how I've stacked up over the past 29 years and where I will be going from here.
I haven't met all of those goals and I don't really regret it. I guess I just more or less wonder what or how things would have turned out if I had made different choices. I really do think I've made mostly the "right" decisions but in doing so I feel like I may have missed out on some things... but then again maybe not. Maybe I really am on the "right" track of life.
I chatted with a friend today about what will come next, we've been working for 3 year on becoming an OT. But what really is next? Well, for me, my new goals are finding happiness and self-discovery. Which of course, I have to follow-up with some giggles because it sounds a bit dirty. In all seriousness, I'm really am kind of lost right now.
I don't have much of an identity left. All the piercings and wild hair colors are gone, leaving nothing but mostly healed holes and tattoos. My love for music is still there but I'm already stuck in that old fogey loop, listening mostly to my old music and not being able to even remember where to find new stuff. As for playing music I really haven't since college, with the exception of Christmas. I never have time to create things just for fun and honestly my creativity is somewhat stifle. All this formal education and growing up has crushed my ability to be engaged in enjoy things as I did before. I know it isn't just school and having hectic schedules. I realize that the fact that I've been married for 7 years and 4 months also adds to the problem. As with all couples the longer we are together, the more "me" turns into "we". I'm certainly not saying it's a bad thing but somewhere in that we, I forgot me. But this year I'm going to find me and bring her back. :) I'm going to take more time to enjoy life. I'm going to try things that I use to enjoy and seek out new things as well. I need a hobby, an outlet where I can be me, have fun and just be. Somewhere in this heap molecules, is a person that enjoys life and has fun... Remember me? I was the sarcastic, realistic, blunt and genuinely happy girl that went to shows, played music, loved the hell out of her friends and could drink all of them under the table.
Tomorrow as I blow out my candles (if I have any), I won't be making the Fiona Apple, "wish for you"... I'll be making a wish for me. :) And now that I've said that, I have to include the song. This was by far one of my most favorite songs in high school and brings back more memories than I can to blog about.
Oh and just to continue with the Fiona Apple love, the title of my blog also has a great song to go with it.
Thank you for being in my life. I send love to all the people of my past, present and future. Here it comes... a better version of me.
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