"I'll go with him, with him all the way"

The last couple days I've yet again been struggling with the worries of the future. I have no clue what is out there for me... or even where I even want to go. Needless to say I've been struggling with issue for years of my life because I'm always looking forward or back and missing the moment. 
So my typical daily thoughts go something like this:

Maybe we should live here in Pulaski, we have a house, Jason has a job, we have all the beef we want and we're only like an hour and a half form my family. I mean I am slightly miserable and I know they need an OT in the SNFs. I guess I just wonder if that would be settling? When I applied to OT school I wanted to work with peds. I was and still am open to working the geriatrics but still I'm just not sure to what extent and if I start there will I be pigeonholed.

Maybe I should go back home to FL. I did love FL but it was mostly a love hate. It would be great to be with my friends... my dad would love it because then he would move but Jason wouldn't have a job, we'd have moving expenses, we'd have to sell our house and lets not forget houses are more expensive in FL than here and the insurance it through the roof.  I really need to work out if my recent desire to live in FL is because I'm missing my youth or if it is because I really would like to live there. This really could be all about the shitty weather we're having this year.  The scary part is that we'd both be starting over new. Jason doesn't have his teaching license for FL.

Perhaps I really should sign up for the civilian corps. I originally thought the army would be great but there is that whole issue of me being too fat and having to go through officers training which include me pooping outside. So back to the civilian corp, I love the idea of living in a different country for a little while. But here come the other issues again: Jason wouldn't have a job, how do international pet moves work, who's going to buy this house and do I really want to be that far away from my family? They are spring chickens (no offense). So do I really want this... or perhaps this is an option for later in my life.

Lastly there is the idea of trying to find a job in seating and positioning. I love working with wheelchairs but where are the jobs?! Would we have to move? Would it be a sales job which would keep me away all the time anyway?

I'm not even going to go on with the whole "how do I start a family" bit that also runs through my brain... but I think you get the point. There's a lot of stuff on my mind about the future.

Anyway, today at church the last song that we sang was "Where he leads me". It's a simple song that we sing at our simple church in the middle of nowhere and it spoke to me in those few minutes. Especially the refrain.


"Where he leads me I will follow, where he leads me I will follow, where he leads me I will follow; I'll go with him, with him all the way."

A Simple refrain with simple words and message but *#$( is it hard to actually do that. I graduate in 4 months 4 days... I need to start my 1st OT job in July so that means I I need to start sending out resumes in a couple of months.  But without knowing where I want to go or be it. So where do I even look for job openings and where do I send my resume?!  I'm going to try and hold those word in my mind and seriously just let it be. When it gets closer something amazing will come along... I'll apply and things will work out. No matter where I end up, I really just want to be happy.

PS: Jason is sitting across from me reading "The Spongebob article: on wikipeadia and laughing. :) I envy his ability to "just be" which is one of my goals for this year.