Tonight's blog is about my failure... no I should say it's about exploring my anxiety boundaries. Ehh, regardless of what I call it, I had my first panic attack since April. If you've been reading my blogs you'll know a little over a year ago I started having horrible life altering anxiety and panic attacks. It got to the point I had to go on medication and I started seeing a therapist. I've figured out what I consider is my root and I decided I wanted to start tapering off my medication.. so I'm down to half my dose and have been for at least 6 weeks. I don't even remember when I completed my transition to 5mgs but whatever that's not the point. This past week I've been feeling more and more anxious. I got pretty close to a panic attack when I took my dad to the doctor last week, it was an unexpected appointment and my anxiety level was super high.
Anyway, here is what happened today:
I woke up at 4am with a UTI. Yeah, that sucks.... but I was thankful that this one wasn't horrible and blood wasn't visibly pouring form me. Unfortunately I couldn't call my Dr. until 8:30 but if I could get an appointment I'd be able to get my Flu shot at the same time. I've been meaning to do that.So I headed off to school and today was a half day in the school system, since my CI (clinical instructor) had nothing planned for me nor did she have my mid-term filled out yet......I got to go home. I got an appointment at 2:45 so in the mean time I also remember I really had to go to the allergenist to sign papers to start my allergy shots. Now, if you know me, you'll know I'm horribly phobic of anaphlatic shock and part of that fear is because my panic attack mimic the symptoms very closely and I often worry I won't be able to tell a panic attack apart form my slow death resulting from an allergic reaction. That was a BIG step for me. My test was about 2 months ago and they suggested I start ASAP. So... 8 weeks of debating and 1 eye swelling shut later I finally signed the papers. Right after that I headed to my pcp get my flu shot, get my antibiotic and then head out. This is where my panic REALLY, yes I just got a shot... no going back now... then I called my dad to discuss my antibiotic and he immediately tells me that my mom had a horrible reaction to the medication. So here it goes, my fight or flight response is in full swing... and my internal voice is screaming "this medication in my hand will kill me... You will die a slow death and for most of it you won't know if you are having a panic attack or if you're dying". Yes, I realize how stupid it sounds.. yes I realize my Dr. is smart and that is why I trust him.. but I can't silence the crazy.
So I came home and now my mom being sick. Not sniffles sick and I really didn't think it was bothering me that much until she started talking about needing a shot...lets just say that really stressed me out. I pushed through made dinner, did the dishes and started my great debate/internal crazy starts thinking "I take the medication and my mom is going to need my help because she's sick and I'm going to be dying from the antibiotic... and my dad won't be able to hear either of our screams of agony". Yes, yes, super dramatic and stupid but none the less it's hyperawareness. So I did it, I read all the side effect, I told my Jason I loved him and I took my medicine. An hour goes by, I keep busy working diligently on my goal writing for my IEP meeting tomorrow, watch some TV and hey, I didn't die...
Then another issue popped up, I had to go get Prilosec from Wal-Mart. Normally a trip to wal-mart is just annoying but the idea of going to Wal-Mart while anxious and possibly dying from medication just wasn't on my list of to-dos. I sucked it up, I reassured myself and told my mom that this was the last taxi ride to anywhere tonight and if she wanted to go to the ER it was now or never. I know I'm horrible... it was more or less supposed to be a joke to assist my anxiety. So, Dad and I load up in the car and I get half way to wal-mart and I'm having full blown palpitations, sweaty hands, swirling head, nausea, tears streaming down my face and shortness of breath. Pretty picture, isn't it? :P It wasn't near as bad as my last one, my dad showed me a spot to push on my hand... I did my imagery and I made it to Wal-Mart, got what we needed and even drove us back home.
Yeah, so 2 hours and 44 mins later and I'm still alive... I'm still anxious.... I still want to throw-up and I can still feel my heart beat... who knows if it's my antibiotic, my flu shot, my anxiety or even my dinner but I'm pushing through. I REFUSE to be crippled by my anxiety. If it is my time to go, god willing I'll be in my sleep and I love each and everyone of you. Now, I just have to figure out how to take this pill however many more times and remember that I did not fail.. I learned more about myself and my anxiety and I pray it goes away.
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