Teeth and sleep

Hi, my name is Reagan. I am a mom, I have an anxiety disorder and some serious mommy guilt.

I'm sitting here on the eve of a torturous dental filling for my sweet boy. How can my 13 month old have a cavity? We've been brushing his teeth since there was bulge in his gums... we've abstained from sharing utensils, foods and drink to prevent the sharing for cavity causing bacteria. And yet his upper left incisor looked strange almost from day one. They think it was either malformed in utero or he chipped it which resulted in a cavity... As I've watched and tried different technique to stop the cavity the whole enamel has worn away on the tooth. It went from not painful (at least we think) to possibly painful upon biting to definitely painful with cold on it. I had 3 physical opinions... one phone opinion and two discussions with our pediatrician. In the end we've all decided that general anesthesia in the hospital is too risky for 1 tooth and that in office sedation is too risky as well. So what does this leave? Well we are giving him a dose of Benadryl, and we're going to try nitrous, however non of them think the nitrous will be effective since they have to breath it in through their noise... lastly the plan is to hold him down/papoose board him. If you are in health care you already know what this is... if you are not.. don't look it up. Basically they strap you down to a board. My real issue is that this is not going to be a a quick 5 minutes... it could take up to an hour..... Can you imagine watching your sweet baby crying because he/she is scared, strapped down and has to keep his mouth open. I honestly am tearing up a little right now....

What could I have done to make this better? What could I have done to prevent it? I'm not sure... but that being said... as minimal as this is compared to so many other issues that many of my amazing mommy friends and family have gone through, it still sucks.

Next up on the topic block is my sleepless child, my own sleepless nights and our hours and hours of night nursing. I own almost every sleep book... from Dr. Sears to Dr. Ferber. None of them are bringing results. I love the techniques of the no cry sleep solution but they aren't working for us. I sought further and a friend suggested a sleep behaviorist. After putting it off due to money I finally contacted her. She seems great and yet I'm petrified. I never planned on cosleeping like I have said before but I do love it. The top suggestions she has for me is to stop co-sleeping and end nursing on demand. Which obviously should end the sleep issues and yet I feel horrible guilt knowing that it's not going to be easy for Kelso or for me... and that there very well may be tears, mine and his. I do not want him to hurt or be scared. The most ridiculous part of that statement is I'm pretty sure it is my own issues that I'm projecting, like the idea that he will be scared. Perhaps that is from my own childhood. I coslept with my mom forever.... seriously a very long time even by Dr. Sears standards. I HATED sleeping alone... honestly I still don't crave it like some people do. I have always had a rough time sleeping. I ultimately replaced my mom with a TV to finally be able to be a little less bizarre. In high school I had serious insomnia, sleeping 2-4 hours a night. It wasn't until college that I stopped sleeping with my TV and in my junior year of college that I finally stopped sleep walking. Once I had Jason in my life my sleep improved to the best it's ever been, until Kelso came along. Interestingly my dad and Jason's dads both have trouble sleeping or sleep very little. So I know we need to move forward. I know it's time.. I think this will be better for him and me in the long run. I bet I'll even enjoy him more if I'm getting decent sleep, although I'm not sure how I could enjoy him any more than I already do.

I think part of my issue with no longer co-sleeping is my fear of losing him. I think to myself, what if he died suddenly? What if I died suddenly? What if he got cancer? I would have lost all those hours that I could have had with him. All those sweet smiles in his sleep and the cute position he has put himself in... I'd miss his sweet little sleepy sighs and his middle of the night "discussions" and those moments he puts his nose to mine and stares at me to see if my eyes are open and if I'm awake. What if I missed what little time we will have together. We all have so little time on this earth... and I just don't want to missuse or lose our time together.

I honestly never knew just how much love there was in me... I did not understand how much I would change when I became a mother or how much my soul would ache with fear and pride as I watch Kelso grow. I think I am become a mother was the best think I've ever done in my life and amazingly my life has become whole when I didn't even realize it was missing something to begin with.

Perhaps this is the ultimate fear for someone with an anxiety disorder... having a child is like the loss of control and yet it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So that is it.... I'm anxious. Tomorrow is going to be really hard for Kelso and for me.... and in the end when we come back for FL we will probably start the process of ending our cosleeping and night/ondemand nursing relationship... and I'm pretty sure I'm going to mourn it and applaud the strength and confidence that I gave him, that I have for some reason always lacked myself.