- I admit it, I am disappointed I may need a c-section. I've always thought I was born to give birth.
- I'm sad that even though vaginal birth are typically the safest and most natural way to birth, this may not be an option for me and our baby.
- It's frustrating that I've spent so much time preparing for a natural birth that I may not have.
- I'm scared of major surgery.
- I'm even more freaked out about being awake during major surgery (Almost every time I get near an OR I faint and then I'm back to square one with my anxiety).
- I'm worried that a c-section will mess up all my hard work that I did getting over, well I should say harnessing my anxiety disorder and I won't even be able to go back to work at the hospital.
- I hate that I won't be the first person to hold my baby.
- I irrationally feel like I'm being punished. Not only will I not get the birth I want but I won't get to hold my baby for at least an hour (probably longer), they're going to take my baby to the nursery, like I didn't want, then they're going to have to give me drugs to make you feel better and I'll miss most of my babies first day on the planet, all the while everyone else will get to bond with the baby that I've been dying to meet for all these months. They thought process may or may not be realistic but that's what it feels like.
- I'm concerned that because I'm not even allowed to go into labor if he stays breech and I won't be able to hold him within the first hour, that I'm going to have issue with milk supply, which will cost us tons of money with a lactation consultant, stress and maybe even formula.
- The new hospital is beautiful but I didn't feel excited, I felt scared and nervous. I think it is because to me birth is natural and not a medical procedure but when you add in surgery then it turns scary and it is medical and a hospital is necessary not just a safety net.
- My affirmations are no longer helping me....as a matter of fact some of them make me feel sad or like a failure because I'm in this limbo land of still praying and trying to get my baby to flip, but at the same time I don't want him to flip if there is a reason he shouldn't and I'm scheduling a c-section.
- Now I'm even scared I will go into birthing time spontaneously (which is what I wanted before), while he's breech, have a cord prolapse (because he's footling it's a 20% chance) and then we will both die because we're in this miserable little town that's forever away from good health care.
- My confidence is shaken and I'm struggling to figure out how I want to proceed in my preparations for my birthing time.
- I feel guilty for having all these emotions because as far as we can tell, our little man is healthy and that is the end result that we want, a baby in our arms.
- I think I'm going to continue trying to flip my baby until next week, when I'll be 37 weeks or "full term" and then I'm going to reduce the attempts to maybe one intervention a day... or maybe none at all. I need to have a plan that I can focus on and even if that's a plan of a c-section at least I can start preparing for it with my hypnosis... and maybe I'll get a surprise.
- Maybe he'll flip for my birthday... I mean that'd be a pretty awesome 30th b-day present. :)
There it is... all out in the open. I have to let it go and move forward. This is a happy time and sometime in the next month I will have a baby and since this was a bit of a surprise to begin with, I have to believe that god will do what is right for this child that he's given us.
I think all your thoughts and feelings are justified simply because they're yours. You clearly just want what's best for your baby and your little family - no one can fault you for that. Sounds like you're already and great mom. :-)
ReplyDeleteHang in there. There are no coincidences and everything will be just as its supposed to be. If we cant believe that, what can we believe? I'm cheering for you! :-)
It's always hard when there is a change of plans. You just want what is best for your little guy. You can ask Rob--with both Hailey and Liam, I felt distraught when they took them to the nursery for an hour. I wanted them with me the whole time. Nursing will be okay. Liam wouldn't even nurse right after he was born. He waited until he came back from the nursery, then he nursed off and on all night. You'll be able to do it. Set your mind to it.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, and in the end you'll have the healthy, happy little boy that you have been waiting for. Lots of love!
Baby Girl, you can harness the fear and turn it into power. God is in control and everything is for a reason. Your fears and concerns are felt by most all moms to be and are not unusual . You will be a great mom, you will find that if you have c section it will be empowering for you as your get through it. An Jason will be by your side and dad and I will be cheering you on from the sidelines. You can and will do this , and you will be stronger for it. I love you Mom
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm finally on the internet and can properly respond to this! I know this was a vent session and I hope you are feeling better after having gotten all of this off your chest. Not going to stop me from putting in my two cents.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, NONE of the preparations you have taken have been in vain. As long as that kid is inside of you, it is important for you to stay as stress-free as possible. Researching the birthing methods that are right for you - even if you can't implement them - have allowed you to do that. Second: Try to separate the hypnobirthing techniques that you've learned from the method of birthing. I don't know the techniques that they've taught you, but I'm guessing that they are designed to reduce anxiety during labor and delivery, right? Well, if you end up with a c-section, you're going to need them more than ever. Think of ways in which you can associate the techniques that you've learned with the new experience that you are preparing for: think of strategies to get you through each step of this new process, just as you have prepared strategies to get your through the process of a natural birth. It may not be as natural a birth as you were hoping for, but you have all of the tools to make this experience as natural as possible for you and your baby, given the circumstances.
And third: You are giving birth to this baby one way or the other. He is still coming out of your womb in the safest way possible. I know that you are disappointed and sad about the decision to switch over to the doctors rather than the midwives and to have to prepare for a c-section, but you have made the right decision for your baby, just as you have been doing all along. Surgery may not be the most natural thing, but it may be the only alternative if a vaginal birth could mean injury or death to one or both of you. You may not be able to have a say in every aspect of the process, but you can (and will) take control of whatever details you can. I know that this is a significant experience in your baby's life and for you as a mother, but remember that it is also a very, very short piece of the time that you will have together. Some children don't come into their mothers' arms until days, weeks, months, or even years (in the case of adoption) after they are born. This will not effect your role as a mother, nor the spectacular job that you will do of being a mother. The process of a natural birth and being able to hold your baby right away may make some things, like breastfeeding and temperature regulation, easier, but a c-section doesn't mean that those things can't happen. As soon as that kid is in your arms, all of your disappointment and saddness will go right out the window. None of it will matter. He will be in his parents' arms, and you can start your lives together.