Ahhh, Freak Out!

Remember when I was so confident... well here we are, in the final count down and I'm freaking out!
What's weird is before this whole footling breech issue came to be, I was cool calm and collected. I had this beautiful birth plan in mind and could see it. I wasn't scared, I was ready, I was excited. The idea of Braxton Hicks or even pressure waves were way more fun when I was waiting for them to bring me my little one... not wishing they weren't happening because I can't have a footling breech birth, espeically not here in rural american. Now that the plan has changed and there is a longer recovery ahead of me, I can't help but be bogged down with all the little details. Before I had some hope (although naive I know) that I'd be able to get a little something done while the little one sleeps... but now I know I'll have to count on Jason and whoever else to assist me at least for the first week or two... did I mention they said no driving for like 6 weeks?!  I guess another reason I might be having issues is I haven't been doing my hypnosis as I should to keep me chilled out but as of today I'm back to it. I need it.

So here, on perhaps our very last Saturdays as just the two of us, I sit and blog while Jason and the pets nap. Our house isn't ready. The babies room isn't ready. The carpets haven't been cleaned. Our car seats sit in our house but we've yet to attempt to install them. My body is obviously doing its own thing and I seem to no longer have any control over it what-so-ever. I'm nauseated and starving at the same time. I become short of breath just sitting in a chair and I have the awesome braxton hicks and lightening crotch to go with it (yes, it feels like electricity shooting into my lower back and groin, obviously some sort of nerve is being stepped on). I have a hard time going to sleep and a hard time getting moving. I have to pee constantly and if I don't go fast enough I get more Braxton Hicks. Did I mention I've yet to wash a single bottle, not that we need them immediately but still.. All these things rage on in my brain and no matter how hard I try to get stuff done, after a few hours I just have nothing left to give because my braxton hicks get the best of me, my feet swell up and hurt. The weirdest thing of all I think I'm going to miss being pregnant. It really hasn't been that bad. I mean it sounds bad in this post but you have to consider the fact that I'm 38 weeks pregnant...  In the end I think I'm a good pregnant woman but the WORST nester ever. :)

So even when I push all the worries of surgery and our house not being in perfect condition out of my brain I'm still freaking out. We're seriously having a baby... and not just a baby but a baby that will be a child, then a teenager and then an adult. It's only the biggest commitment someone can make and yet so many go into it lightly. I can't believe we're having a child. I mean I've always wanted to but whoa... a whole person is going to be depending on me for the rest of my life. How in the world do we do this? It's so selfless. It's amazing love that no one knows until they experience it... and I just don't know how in the world I'm going to be as fabulous as my parents were. The warmth of their love, pride and support still rocks my world. This baby is a gift, all of them are but getting pregnant after a visit to the vatican that led to me seeing the Pope... makes me feel even more pressure to be sure we offer up every single opportunity we can for our little one.

I've included some fabulous disco to improve my mood/Freakout. ;) And I want you to know I appreciate all your continued support. I know my blogs aren't near as fun as they used to be but hopefully they will soon be filled with beautiful pictures of our boy and an adventure in moving and starting our live some place new.