It's all a little too real at this moment.

I tossed and turned all night last night. I just couldn't shut off my brain. It's hard to believe my child isn't even here yet and I'm already fretting that I'm going to have to leave him and go back to work. I've been going through all the different possibilities... and without a full time job it'll be a hustle to make ends meet.

I think (notice I say think) I'm hoping for Saturday and Sunday work hours until Jason gets done with school at the end of may, that's about a month of me being home during the week and then Jason home on the weekend. Then Jason will be home all summer and that would keep our little one out of daycare until he was almost 6 months. But here comes the real problem. I planned and hoped to move this summer but we don't really have enough saved up to move because everything sort of happened unexpectedly. I'm working 20 hours or less a week at this point, and even if I did 2, 12 hour shifts on the weekends starting in May that wouldn't be enough for us to successfully pay all our bills and save for a move....

So here comes the big hard life decisions... what do I want more? Do I want out of here more or do I want to be home more? If we move, especially if we move far away I will HAVE to work at least 40 hours a week and negotiate a pretty good hourly wage with benefits that start immediately because Jason will be out of a job. French teaching jobs are hard to come by and even though he's been teaching Latin too, it isn't like the job market is wide open. So here comes the nerves, will I be able to find a job to support us, a job I will still like and a job that will be able to possibly assist us with a move? I don't know, and I don't know when to start looking or even really where. Needless to say this has been spinning in my head all night long and I've played out different possibilities.

• Stay here, be miserable, work weekends only, having plenty of time with the baby but not with the hubby (after summer), save what we can and wait for something perfect to come along.
• Move, be broke, scared and Jason will be out of work, not much time with baby as I'll be hustling for money.
• Stay, be miserable and find a full time job, find daycare for the baby and save money to move at some point in the future.

I just don't know what I want, or what is right.... I need direction and to trust god will lead me. It's so hard thought. I've done really well with all my over anxiety/planning stuff up until now. I guess it's just hitting me how soon all this could/will be happening. Within 5-10 weeks we will have a baby!

I know I really don't want my child to grow up here..... I know I really don't want to stay here... but maybe the grown up thing to do is to save so the move isn't so scary and hard. The other issue is our house, it's never going to sell, and we can't afford to lose any money on it. Maybe we should go ahead and list our house, houses stay on the marked for years here. Then I get nervous the house is going to sell suddenly and then we'll be out of a house on top of it all. AHHH, see it's still spinning in my brain... 

I must refocus energy to getting my house work done and getting myself to work.