"So I guess this is growing up" Florida edition

Florida…. Sweet sunny Florida. I’ve been longing for a visit for months and could hardly believe the day had come as I was driving to the airport. I admit I wasn’t actually all that excited on the 25 as I was still recovering from the Philadelphia plague. I had high hopes that my ear drums wouldn’t burst on take off and landing and figured that the week would be full of rest, relaxation, board preparations and reminiscing with old friends.

My flight was going great until around Jacksonville when the pilot got on and said “Due to severe weather the Orlando airport is closed currently, so we’re going to have to circle.” Not even 5 minutes later he said “we’ve been cleared to land” and off we went into a nice storm full of air pockets and a pure instrument landing as we flew through the pea soup consistency clouds. Now, I have to say I’m not typically over jumpy on plans. I did grow up flying but wow dips galore. The whole losing my stomach thing I do not dig, I would rather spin in circles. Anyway, as I tried to focus on happy things the flight got worse and worse, this pilot was flying right through the storm not about, not below or around… through it. It was scary, but luckily for me someone had their 4 year old (I’m guessing on the age) with them and every time I thought, “dear god this is it” the kid screamed out “Weeeeeee” and laughed super loud. Lucky for me I find children’s laughter pretty infectious and was able to not white knuckle during the 30 minute decent into Orlando.

By the time we all made it to the baggage claim we got to see how even our bags were being impacted by the severe weather…

Anyway, I’m petty sure no one wants to read every detail of this trip so I’m going to hit the highlights, complain a bit and then summarize my thoughts. 

• My rental car was upgraded to an HHR… which I wasn’t thrilled about. Sorry to all you people out there that like them but the HHR really isn’t my style and this one just so happened to be from TN. Lastly the gas mileage wasn’t so great.
• My dad looked way sicker than I thought he would. It was great to spend some time with him but I was more than pissed that he had refused to go into the hospital as suggested.  And as of today he's getting a pacemaker.
• I hit some of my favorite hometown spots and also hit some of my dad’s favorite spots. It is always nice to go home.
• I got to spend some time with Susan and Jacob and I was so glad. Susan had been my best friend for what feels like forever. Jake had strep throat when I first got there so we missed a few days of hang out time. Although it sucked… I’m kind of glad it happened because Susan really needed some time to relax and I know she wouldn’t just take the time off to rest. So in that aspect it worked out perfectly.
• I got to see Joe Brown, for those of you who didn’t know me in high school or who just didn’t know me well you probably don’t know that Joe was by far one of my best friends in high school. Although we didn’t hang out regularly (think social norms) we did hang out and talk enough for me to know he always had my back, and I had his. Anyway, I had a kick ass time hanging out with Joe I just wish it hadn’t been so long .
• Paige and I spent some time together which was also a huge highlight of my trip. Paige was my best friend all through school. We had a brief period of separation in late high school and early college but the internet brought us back together and I’m crazy thankful for that. I have to say as I sat with her and talked I felt terrible that we missed those years of our lives and wished I lived closer so we could hang out more regularly.
• I hate spray sunscreen as I suck at applying it and had a horrible sunburn of random lines to explain just how much they suck…. That being said the Tropicana type my mom gave me was fabulous and not sticky.
• I went to a bbq at Dan Short’s house. I have to say I was pretty nervous to meet up with Joey and his wife there but it all turned out great. I can’t believe how long it has been and how grown-up we all are. I’ve spoken with Dan online so I wasn’t nervous just excited. It was awesome that when I walked in I felt just as chill as I always had with Dan. Good friends rock. Anyway, once the Egan’s arrived there was specific talk about remodeling and it was at that moment that I thought,  holy crap things have changed. Anyway, it was an absolute pleasure to meet the Shorts and Egans.
• Victoria and I got to spend some nice time talking and walking around downtown Melbourne, which is actually where we met. :) So nice to have someone to talk to.
• I drank lots of Slurpees
• AJ took me out to the Cold Keg on Thursday night. It was Fabulous to be out past 9pm on a work night and quite fun to watch everyone dance. I wish we had had more time to spend together! :(
• On Saturday night Susan and I went out to the beach to a Bon Fire that Robbie had invited us to. We didn’t stay long but it was hella cool and great to see him.
• I didn’t love my hotel. The spaces huttle launch messed up my typical hotel selection and I ended up mainland and in an extended stay. It was classy… lol My non-smoking room smelled pretty bad but I wasn’t about to complain since it was so cheap and I really didn’t have anywhere else to go. On the day of checkout I got a knock on my door and the manager accused me of smoking. I was more than offended and even after I offered for her to come in and look around she still seemed to be accusing me. Needless to say I was bitter and left shortly there after.
• I miss the beach so much! It’s very Counting Crows of me to not know what I had until it  was gone.
• There were lots of people I wanted to see but didn’t get to for whatever reason.  Sometimes there just isn’t enough time and sometimes people just don’t put in any effort.
• Some of my favorite FL peeps have moved away and that made me really sad.
• I had big plans of getting a tattoo while I was in FL and that just didn’t work out and now that the artist is moving it will take even longer.. Maybe in July?
• My high school house is for sale. Does anyone have 250K they want to give me so I can buy it?
• All my friends are all grown up with kids and jobs. It’s really awesome except when someone like me is wanting to party down for the whole week. ;)

There are many reasons I went to FL but one of the main reasons was to have fun and as my friend mark said start a new chapter of my life. I had great expectations for this trip, which was one of my biggest mistakes. Nothing can ever live up to my expectations. Anyway, before I can start a new chapter I must say goodbye to the previous ones, so this trip was to be a trip back to the last place that I felt untamed and carefree. Yeah, it sounds dramatic but really that’s what I was trying to do, go back just for a few days to something that doesn’t exist anymore, relive those precious moments and memories in hopes that the growing pains would ease. It can’t be done and to my dismay and relief at the same time, everything was so similar and yet so different. Everything looked the same… but it was all different. I don’t live in Melbourne anymore… I don’t quite fit anymore. I kept searching my brain as I drove around to try and figure out how in the world I could describe the feelings to Jason or even to myself but I lack the words. The closest I got was the area felt like an old comfortable shoe but in a way it left me aching for something that isn’t real. And the longer I stayed the more evident it became to me that this quarter life crisis I’ve been experiencing was nothing compared to how I felt once May 1^st came.  At 12:01 am I looked at my watch and realized that I was graduating this month, that I was taking my boards this month, that I was going “home” to Pulaski this month, that I would be returning home to my husband of almost 8 years this month and that we’d be going on a trip of a lifetime this very month and the things to come after this month are the rest of my adult life. Funny how the thing I always wanted as a child (to be grown up) is the thing I want the least at this very moment…. The things I have spent the last 29 years trying to figure out, that are coming true, are the same things that are driving me to feel so uneasy and confused. Sometimes I think all the planning and “correct” choices made me miss out on some of the “living” that others have done. I’m not sure if that statement will make sense to the rest of the world but perhaps what I’m trying to say is that I’ve made many decisions in my life and most of them have been very calculated and purposeful…. And now that so many of those goals have been met, but perhaps turned out differently than I expected, I feel lost, empty and alone, like I’ve missed much of what my collective Peter Pan generation has been experiencing while I’ve been making these “good” decisions. I spent all day yesterday thinking about my life in FL, my life in TN, what I “wanted” as a child, what I “wanted” as an early 20 something and then I tried to figure out what I want as who I am now and who I will be at the end of this every so life changing month and I came up with nothing... it’s weird to not know what I want anymore. Before I got on the plane in FL I vowed to have a better attitude when I touched down in TN because Jason doesn’t deserve my confusion and disappointment with the world and as the plane took off  and I left behind me a life I no longer live, I cried.