Self-disclosure for a better version of me

So... like I said yesterday, I'm coming off my paxil. The original thought was I had to come off my medication because at the ripe old age of 29 I had planned on no longer preventing pregnancy... but alas that idea has changed for more than one reason (the lack of FMLA benefits, the lack of a job, the need to travel, indecisiveness of where to live, money). However, I still want and need to come off Paxil as soon as possible.

So, for a little over a year I've been on 10mg to deal with my anxiety and panic disorder, which all started my 2nd semester at Belmont. I didn’t just want to “solve” the issue with pharmacology so I also went to a counselor once a week for a few months. I've thought and thought about the root of my anxiety issues and after a year of self reflection I've got a few ideas and life events that may be playing a part in my anxiety.

1. I was run over by a truck as a small child
2. My nephew passed away in a car accident
3. I watched a few surgeries and fainted
4. I had an ovarian Cyst rupture (I seriously thought I was dying) I’m pretty sure this is what pushed me over the normal to anxious and then when I added school and education on top of it I couldn’t handle the pressure.

My fears/phobias seem to be changing as time goes on but this is what I’ve got so far…

1. I’m afraid of that second when I know something is actually wrong with me and that I actually am going to die.
2. I’m afraid of anaphylaxis, I think this phobia is because panic attacks resemble anaphylaxis and ultimately can lead to #1 (the second I figure out something actually is wrong). Obviously after this week’s allergy testing, I’m working through this phobia.
3. Death of loved ones, how in the world would/will I carry on when this happens.
4. I hate loss of control – this is resolving because I am upfront about my anxiety, which seems to be helping.
5. I used to be afraid of having more panic attacks, luckily this one is pretty much resolved. I really don’t care anymore because I’ll be fine even if I do have another panic attack.
6. I don’t enjoy the unknown, it scares me.

I admit I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago. However as I taper off my medication and life continues to happen I’m become more aware again of my fears. The top one right now is the fear of losing my family members or friends. Working at the nursing home and dealing with sickness around me has made me somewhat scared again. Yes, I know it’s the cycle of life and my own beliefs tell me we were sent here for a reason and when that time is completed we will move on to a better world but that’s scary!!! Hello, unknown… hello death, hello second before I die and I know something is wrong… hello loss of control. Yep… so that actually wraps ALL of my fears and phobias into one. I know death is not supposed to be scary but it is… and I can’t help but to dwell on it occasionally. The greedy side of that worry is I don’t want to be left here alone or go to another world alone… I need the people and animals in my life.

So what am I going to do about all this?

I’m going to keep on keeping on… I’m going to keep reflecting on my life, my phobias, the stressors that make me worry, I’m going to pray, research, blog and enjoy every second I can with my loved ones. As a wise woman once said "here it comes a better version of me" - Fiona Apple