I am sleep deprived. If ever told you different it is because I no longer remember what it is like to sleep longer than 2-3 hours at a time. It's time. I know it is. I'm probably unsafe to drive a vehicle at this point. There are studies that show sleep deprivation reduces reaction time down to that of someone inebriated. Not to mention I'm constantly forgetting things and the mental and physical health implications of sleep deprivation... did I mention that I'm going to blame the fact that I'm not losing weight. Anyway, I have read and tried a good amount of sleep methods that mix with what I believe in... I have no more choices. Kelso is going to have to leave our family bed. And based on what the behaviorist is saying we're going to night wean and we have to end our on demand nursing.
I'll be honest it is the ending of the on demand nursing that is killing me the most. I know a lot of you out there find it funny that I'm still nursing at 14 months. The truth is I love it and so does Kelso. Contrary to what many believe it is not unusual or unnatural to nurse human babies until they are 3 or 4. As a matter of fact I don't even use the term "extended nursing" anymore, because I think it's silly. It is the United States that has turned nursing into something bizarre and something that is only accepted when not seen. I think this has to do with our "founding fathers" and our strange obsession with sex as a country. But I digress. I worry these limitation that the behaviorist says are necessary to get us more sleep may end our nursing relationship before we would naturally be ready.
I am super excited to get more sleep and to not be awake all night but I'm not looking forward to giving up my special time with Kelso. I'm going to miss waking up to that sweet babies face in mine... and as insane as it sounds I'm going to miss being "the one" he wants and yet it will give me a little more time for myself that I dearly need it. Jason and I have sort of gone with what feels natural and what would it have been like back in the day... and it just doesn't feel that normal to me to have him not sleep with us... but that being said I'm probably going to end up killing myself if I don't get sleep, and again I've tried everything to keep him in our bed and or bed room...
Kelso is an amazing baby, he's funny, he's sweet, he smart and I just cannot stand the thought of missing even a second of his life... even the seconds of him just sleeping... I am also a mess thinking about all the tears that this is going to bring and how little sleep I'm going to get for about 2 weeks (I've been warned.)
I had originally thought giving Kelso 2 more weeks of sleeping "side car" with a guided imagery audio would be our miracle answer but so far it doesn't seem to be... Jason's actually back to saying he feels like he isn't getting sleep either. So I've decided I'm only giving Kelso one more night with this new audio (Because we did have a pretty successful nap with it) and if we don't sleep amazingly tonight, I I'm going to pull the trigger on this behaviorists plan where we will be sleeping better in 2 weeks, but it will be in separate rooms and with no more nursing on demand.
I'm sure it'll be worth it. I'm sure it is the right thing, because it can't be much fun for him to have a sleepy mom all the time... and if I'm think tired I wonder what he feels like. I'm sure one day I'll look back and thing how stupid I was to feel so sad over something so minimal but for now I'm mourning the idea of ending the way things were.
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