"I know, I'll feed my baby... Oh, that's right. My baby's an imaginary creation to fight the ravages of loneliness." -Jerri Blank

Sometimes I get these horrible maternal cravings. My brain gets foggy with excitement, wonder and selfish desire. I sit and think about ovulation, due dates, my age, nurseries and the idea of a sweet beautiful innocent child to wake up to day after day. Truly what’s not to love about a baby?


Then there are other days, days where we cuddle and sleep all day or days like today. Today I’m sick, broke and have not only been alone for 95% of the day but I’ve also slept off watched bad TV and neglecting all work (domestic and education wise) for days and I think to myself thank god we don’t have child that is depending on us.

Right now our future is so uncertain. We don’t have any money to spare. I don’t even have a job lined up yet. We’ve got 8 months and 4 days until graduation, 10 month and 5 days until I could even possibly start a job because of our massive Europe trip. So then my mind becomes filled with panicked thoughts. Where will I work? How will Jason and I survive another year if I get a job elsewhere and he has to stay in P-town until May 2012? I guess I always envisioned after graduation things would just be perfect… I guess we all do that… and in some ways I’m sure things will be just that, perfect.

I need to let go and stop trying to plan things. I know planning doesn’t work and usually leads to disappointment but I can’t help but dream a little bit. When I was in high school I thought I’d be 26 when I had my first child but when I turned 26 and I was applying to grade school. So I changed it to 29 and planned on getting pregnant toward the end of the program with a May baby. But somehow I realized that not only would that plan ruin my Europe trip but it would also mean we’d be disgustingly broke until I found a job (at least 6 weeks later). Then I briefly thought, who cares, let’s just go for it and make sure I’m in the 2nd trimester for our Europe trip… but that left us broke for even longer and me in Europe trying to find a toilet. So again I weighed the option and I’m now thinking we can’t even consider tying until I’ve been employed for at least 4 months so I will qualify for FMLA. In a way the idea of that is pretty exciting… that means possibly a year from now we’d be “trying”. So yeah… hopefully we will be more stable with our finances and in a location that can bring us both happiness and stability.

So why is this on my mind so much? Well just about everyone is having a baby, recently had a baby or is trying to have a baby and I think I get a little jealous. I also think with our 7 year anniversary days away, I can’t help but feel it’s time to add something or should I say someone new to our relationship. However, in all honestly I think a large part of my hurry and worry is about my age. I realize people are having children much later in life but I also don’t want to get in a position where I’ve missed my window of opportunity. Jason and I are pretty sure we wouldn’t go through IVF and we would just blow all our money on traveling if that were the case. However, I also worry about losing a job if we get pregnant too early in my employment. Trying to live on Jason’s salary would be a struggle even for 6 weeks of unpaid leave if I didn’t have FMLA. Most of these worries are thing I can’t control which takes me right back to my anxiety disorder… I like to have control over things.

Anyway for all you people that like to ask me “when are you going to have a baby?” and question why we are waiting so long, these are our reasons. Yes, we’d like to have children, yes we plan on having children but that being said we’re waiting until we can say without a doubt we want a child, we can afford a baby and we are able and ready to provide self-less, unwavering love and support for that child the way we both were. Sooo until then eat your hearts out as we travel, sleep -in on Saturdays, go on dates and play video games uninterrupted. When the time is right it will happen and we will be thankful we waited until the time was right.